Konon Katanya Waktu Sembuhkan

 

I thought this whole journey is about dealing with losing the one I love, but what actually happen is I am also losing myself in the process.

As I am (and most people are) not ready with losing, grieving. Or perhaps, we're never really ready.

Oh this god damn stages of grief. I thought it will only take several years to get over, but the real thing is, the pain and sorrow is still there, stored in a box somewhere in your head, just waiting its time to kick in again and again, from time to time.

Lalu sebenarnya bagaimana caraku merayakan kehilangan-kehilangan?

• Validating and acknowledging your emotion doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You need to realize that, crying, writing a journal, or even talk about how you feel to someone close (and any other way to let your emotions out) helps a lot during these grieving process. You might need "me time" to process all this.
• I've learned that whatever I'm doing will not let this people back alive. And it helps me to accept that whatever happens, happens.
• I believe that people kept alive in other people's story. Start getting to know what the people you love has done with their live through someone else's story. Ini membantu banget buat aku karena aku jadi tau orang yang aku sayang sudah make the most of their time. Dan, aku merasa mereka masih dekat dan ada di sekelilingku.
• Dari point tadi, aku bertekad untuk melanjutkan their good mission. I want to continue the good deeds. Realizing that what I can do is to be a good grand daughter-daughter-friend to keep up their legacy.
• Aku selalu merasa orang-orang yang aku sayang itu ada di dekatku. Melindungi saat hujan turun dan aku lupa bawa payung, membuyarkan lamunanku ketika lagi jalan dan nyaris tersandung, pelangi yang tidak sengaja ku temukan di jalan pulang, ada saja yang mereka lakukan untuk membuatku merasa aku tidak pernah sendirian. I feel them in the good things.
• Keeping in my mind that nothing lasts forever, and everyone in my life will have a last day with me. From there, I keep making good and even dumb memories with the ones I love. It will be my keepsake, just in case one day they leave first.
• Making the most of my time. Agar tidak ada penyesalan-penyesalan lain di kemudian hari. Aku selalu punya pemikiran "kalau besok aku tiada, apa yang akan kulakukan hari ini?"
• Mendekatkan diri dengan mereka yang sosoknya aku butuhkan. Ketika aku kehilangan mami, yang kemudian aku lakukan adalah berusaha mengisi "the hole" dengan mendekatkan diri ke teman-teman, ke ibunya pasanganku, bahkan kadang ke ibu kantin haha.

Tulisan ini hadir setelah semalam suntuk mendengarkan lagu baru Tulus, hati-hati di jalan. Those lyrics hits me hard, bagaimana rasanya kehilangan orang yang ku kira akan menemani selamanya. Not really the romance thing actually. Namun, semoga aku bisa mendapat sosok ibu dari pasanganku kelak. Entah dari dirinya sendiri, ibunya, bapaknya, saudaranya.

Kasih sayangmu membekas

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- Tulus, 2022